Lead Me

I have been wanting/needing to write this post for a few months now, but it was just tough for me to do it. You see, when you are in a tough place, it is hard to broadcast it. Then, when you feel like you are coming out of it, it isn't that appealing to re-live it all again! But, I want to remember what I have learned, so here it goes. Please understand I am going to be as transparent as possible, so some of what I say is definitely "ugly". I know it, but I want to give an accurate picture of what I experienced.

Prior to bringing Isaiah home, I was so excited. I felt bonded to him, even before we met him in August. I loved everything about adoption. I loved how we were getting to take part in God's bigger plan. I loved feeling like we were getting "uncomfortable" for Jesus' sake. I was ready for it, and I was excited for it. During our period of waiting for a referral, my heart felt very uncomfortable, and I thought that was our sacrifice. That is the "uncomfortableness" to which God called us. Once the waiting was over and we had seen Isaiah's face, I almost felt a sense of relief. The uncomfortable part was over. (I'm not sure I consciously thought that, but I think I definitely felt it.)

I had read about post-adoption depression, but I didn't pay much attention. I was a mom of three other biological children. I had suffered a bit of post-partum depression with my first but reasoned that much of that was due to hormones. So, I wasn't worried because I knew there wouldn't be any hormonal imbalances with an adoption! I also wasn't worried about bonding. Like I mentioned above, I felt bonded to Isaiah before we even saw him in person. My heart ached for him, and I could not wait to bring him home to put him in his rightful place as our son.

Fast forward to September. The day finally came to go get him. While we were in Ethiopia, he started his grieving process, and many tantrums/fits started. Again, I felt fairly confident that we could love him through his grief. We arrived home September 24, and we were so excited to be in our familiar world. Now, we would for sure flourish!

The next three weeks were hard! I had heard this from other adoptive parents, but I just couldn't grasp what "really hard" meant. :) What it meant for us was this:
1. Major fits around sleeping time. (This means thrashing, screaming, crying, head-butting)
2. Figuring out how to communicate with each other.
3. Waking up in the middle of the night.
4. Having a baby sleeping in our room.
5. Teaching Isaiah to "like" our foods.
6. Feelings of insecurity about how we were parenting Isaiah. This was a BIG one!!!
7. Loss of freedom--I now had a permanent attachment to my leg!
8. I'm sure a lot of other things I am thankfully forgetting!

O.k. So, after three weeks of this, I have to admit that I was struggling. I felt exactly like I did when I suffered through post-partum. I didn't feel "gooey" feelings toward Isaiah. There were a lot of times I didn't like him--or at least his behavior. This really shocked me. Actually, it freaked me out. Where were all of those "gooey" feelings I had had before we met him? I think was was bonded to the idea of Isaiah; however, when I had a screaming toddler on my hands who took away all of my freedoms and comforts, I was definitely rocked. I have to admit that I wished God had only called us to sponsor orphans instead of actually adopting one.

The worst part of all of this was that I felt so guilty about it. I felt so ashamed. After all, most of what I had read on blogs was about how "easy" adoption was. O.K. This isn't true. But, what I had remembered at the time was all the stories of how it was easy. Or, I just didn't think that "really hard" for others would have meant this! I wasn't supposed to be the one who was struggling to bond. I thought it would have been Isaiah. And, I was an experienced mom. I knew that 1 1/2 year-olds were like this. Why was this so hard?

So, the next few months were filled with a lot of letters to my cousin who has adopted twice and searching other blogs for evidence that I wasn't the only one. I just had to know if I was crazy. What I found out was I am not. Actually, I think I am pretty normal. Transition is hard--even for experienced moms. I just didn't realize. And, I had very unrealistic expectations.
But, here is the upside of all of this. First, Isaiah transitioned beautifully. He is an amazing little boy. He has embraced all of us, and he really does seem like he is just a "normal" kid. We all love him, and we are so thankful God has brought him to be a part of our family. We would never do it different, and we will continue to hope and pray more people adopt.
Second, God has taught me a beautiful lesson. A couple of weeks ago, we were singing in church. We started singing Hillsong's "Lead Me to the Cross". Here it is if you want to listen.


When we started singing,
"Everything I once held dear, I count it all as lost
Lead me to the Cross where your love poured out.
Bring me to my knees, Lord, I lay me down.
Rid me of myself, I belong to you
Oh, lead me. . .",
I about fell down.

Were we really asking God to rid us of ourselves, to bring us to our knees? I had just lived this, and it wasn't really fun. Really. But, I also see how I had some self-reliance issues, wanting to be in charge, and this was a bit of a blind spot. Luckily, God knows. But He wants more for me. He wants me to lay myself down. He wants my life to be about His plans for my life--not my own plans.

When God asked us to adopt over two years ago, He knew that we would be challenged on so many levels. I thought it was all over once we brought Isaiah home, but I have a feeling it is just beginning. And, I am o.k. with that. And I still choose to sing, "Lead me, Jesus."